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April '05: The Baseball Issue        news: Ann Arbor Fundraiser Event!

The Wolfman in Barry Bonds
by Tim Denevi

Joltin Joe Has Left and Gone Away
by Tod Goldberg

Sinker in the Hole
by Bob Arter

Barrie Blonz
by Randall Brown

Course Catalog for Jose Canseco's Baseball Academy
by Christopher Monks

Baseball legend Jose Canseco has graciously offered his time and wisdom to anybody who wishes to further their baseball skills and/or who wants to hang out with a handsome baseball legend who owns several fast cars. Since Mr. Canseco is still under house arrest for violating his probation, all courses will be held on his estate.

A registration fee of $2000 is required of all students.

COURSE 101: Seminar: How to Get an Autograph from a Famous Athlete
A course designed for fans that want to get their favorite athlete's autograph, but are too nervous to ask. Students will learn how to approach a famous athlete respectfully and with purpose.

Location: Kitchen
Length: 30 minutes
Fee: $1500, plus $5000 for Mr. Canseco's autograph; $7500 for his autograph and a personal note; or $10 if you allow him to sign your breasts (female students only).

COURSE 102: Batting Practice
Learn the fine art of power hitting from one of baseball's all-time great power hitters. Mr. Canseco will advise you on your swing from his back porch while he suns himself. Depending on the heat, he may also ask you to get him an ice tea.

Location: Backyard
Length: Until Mr. Canseco gets bored.
Fee: $10,000

COURSE 103: Reader's Workshop
Discuss your favorite parts of Mr. Canseco's best-selling autobiography, Juiced : Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big (available at, Wal-Mart, Stop N' Shop, and most GNCs). Students are invited to write and share their fan fiction about Mr. Canseco and his book during the workshop. Attractive female students are encouraged to flash their breasts in Mr. Canseco's direction.

Location: Bedroom
Length: 9 and a half hours
Fee: $12,500

COURSE 104: Lecture: The Secret History of the Latino Mullet
Learn the history and power of the incredibly important hairstyle the Latino Mullet. Mr. Canseco will show you through a series of his baseball cards the evolution of his own Latino Mulllet, which happens to be the most important and powerful Latino Mullet of all time.

Location: Den
Length: 15 minutes tops.
Fee: $5,000.

COURSE 105: Lecture/Studio Class: Mark McGwire's Buttocks
Learn all you've ever wanted to know about Home Run King Mark McGwire's buttocks. Mr. Canseco will share his first hand experiences with Mark McGwire's buttocks. If time permits he will also draw sketches of what he remembers Mark McGwire's buttocks looked like, which he will autograph for an additional $8500.

Location: Breakfast nook
Length: 20 minutes or so
Fee: $6,000

COURSE 106: Weight Training Workshop I
Mr. Canseco is advised by his lawyers not to provide a description for this course at this time.

Location: Undisclosed bathroom
Length: Usually about 7 minutes
Fee: $25,000

Christopher Monks was Cambridge, Massachusetts' All-City First Baseman (Central Division) when he was 9. The rest of his baseball career proved to be a major disappointment. Visit his website Utter Wonder and fall in love with the Internet all over again.