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October '05 -- stories that Brad likes

Poker Night
  by Andy Henion

More Than a Little Impressed
  by Peggy Johnson

Down With the Ship, Yo
  by Brian Beatty

Crazy Jake and Me
  by Lincoln Michel

Sportscaster Reporting About Dwarf Athletes at the 1984 Olympic Games
  by Jonathan Shipley

The Time Hopping Inter-Era Pirate Talk Show Host
  by Nick Mainieri

Selected pages from a 'Choose the Adventure You Want' story
  by Brooks Callison

"Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. There's no time to waste. Let's go now to Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum to see how dwarves are fairing in the track and field competitions...There's Petre Rovinski from Romania lining up for the 100 meter dash. He'll have his work cut out for him in that he's in the lane right next to the heavily favored Carl Lewis. He's also really really short which doesn't help his chances. There's the gun and shooting down the track like a bullet is Carl Lewis. Petre has literally stumbled off the blocks. He's trying to jump over the blocks and get going on the race but the blocks are simply too big. Okay, he's fine now. Just a little blood. He'll be fine, don't worry. And down the track he goes! Petre now is crossing the finish line twelve minutes after Lewis has showered, changed, and accepted his award. Great 12th place finish Petre!

"The 400 meter hurdles is about to take place and Edwin Moses, the man who gave this year's Athelete's Oath, is expected to win but dwarf Karl Heinz from Austria is going to give it all he's got, just like Kenny Baker gives his all as R2-D2 in those "Star Wars" movies. There's the opening gun and Moses strides into the lead. Karl is doing his best to get over the first hurdle. He's jumping... He's jumping...He's still jumping trying to get over it and...oh, he goes down. There's a dwarf writhing on the track. Oh no, Karl! Get up. Go! Go! Go! Don't let that mutation of your autosomal gene get you down. Remember Karl, you're a hero, mutated or not."

"Over at the swimming pool Tak Cha Cho from South Korea is in his trunks ready to take on the likes of American Rowdy Gaines in the 100 meter freestyle. Off to a fast start they are, neck and small neck, but it looks like Tak can't keep up. Yes, he's a length of the pool behind. Uh-oh, someone better throw in a life preserver. Yikes! Someone help Tak. He's drowning because of the wake of the other swimmers! I'm guessing Tak is wishing he didn't have osteochondrodystrophies right now. Keep your head up, Tak. It's okay. You're the best dwarf swimmer in all of South Korea and that's saying something!"

"At Dodgers Stadium the baseball demonstration sports are taking place. Nicaraguan dwarf shortstop Carlos Mantanya is taking the baseball world by storm. No one is able to pitch to this guy! He STILL, after five games, hasn't gotten an official at bat because the pitchers keep walking him. His strike zone is the size of a pin cushion and the formidable pitchers of Japan, the United States, Canada, Korea and others just cannot get strikes past this guy! His fielding, however, is a bit suspect. A grounder goes right over his head."

"This is the first Olympics in which women participated in the marathon and no one could be happier about that than Nigerian little person Dinka Wondo. Though she didn't finish and though she tripped up several worthy contenders by running right at their heels, she is an inspiration much like gold medalist Joan Benoit is in that she participated in the first women's marathon in the Olympics and she has skeletal dysplasias. Actually, Joan does not have skeletal dysplasias, which greatly increased her chances of winning a medal, but Joan DOES have a bad haircut."

"Out on the open water, on double skulls, were Polish teammates, and little people, Zorn Hanzk and Mvlan Krzokluv. They were going to go up against the likes of U.S. rowing juggernauts Bradley Lewis and Paul Enquist but were disqualified for using a milk carton as a boat. They went pretty fast, Zorn and Mvlan did, but they're just not allowed to row atop a milk carton. Sorry boys."

"Mary Lou Retton was thought to not even have a chance against Chinese gymnast dwarf So-Phon Doc for the all around gold. Doc sadly failed to medal because she couldn't hoist herself up on the balance beam. Many gymnasts out on the floor LOOK like dwarves, like Mary Lou, but they're not. Doc said, via her dwarf interpreter, "Mary Lou has exaggerated lordosis? I don't think so!"

"The dwarf Algerian basketball team didn't much stand a chance this year. Michael Jordan is about 10 feet taller than the tallest Algerian."

"Patrice Latreau did very well for herself as a member of the French fencing team. No one could really get points on her but she didn't get any points either although many teams had sore ankles afterwards. Patrice should stand proud up on the podium as the foil team accepts their bronze medal. Patrice's medal will take up most of her reduced thoracic size."

"Out at the velodrome Norwegian small person Hans Vanterstuun had high hopes for a medal in the individual men's bicycle sprints. Little did he know, however, that in officially sanctioned Olympic events Big Wheels are not acceptable."

"Wow, well, it's been a busy day for people suffering from, among other things, mesoectodermal dysplasia. Honestly, some of these athletes participating in these games - Carl Lewis, Edwin Moses, Rowdy Gaines - wouldn't be able to hold a candle to these dwarf athletes if they had osteogenesis imperfecta or spondyloepiphyseal dysplasia congenita. Show me Jackie Joyner-Kersee win a medal with X-linked spondyloepiphyseal dysplasia tarda and I'll show you a little Welsh woman named Yancy Plowers who would zip right by her and leave Jackie in the dust."

"Congratulations, dwarves, we salute you. Stand up and take a bow...No, really, go ahead, stand up....Oh, you are already?"

Jonathan Shipley is a merman. He has the body of a man and the legs of a fish. Fish don't have legs and neither does Jonathan. He's a merman.