Gene Morgan and Matthew Simmons Discuss Games You Can Play on the Internet:

Ninja Hunter

MATTHEW SAYS:

Some people still believe that Mavis Beacon (of "Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing" fame) is a made up person. On the contrary, there was a very, very real Mavis Beacon. And that very, very real Mavis Beacon had two very, very real loves in her life. Mavis Beacon loved to type.

And Mavis Beacon loved to kill her some fucking ninjas.

That's one of the nice things about knowledge. All the time, knowledge is let out into the world in secret ways. And you stumble upon that knowledge when you least expect it.

Because, for example, I found this game that asks you to type out short words in order to stop ninjas, and because of it I now know that Mavis Beacon was a real person, and that her family was killed by ninjas, and that she spent her life typing and killing as many ninjas as possible.

It is good to learn things.

GENE SAYS:

This ninja killing/typing game is just the sort of violence I approve of.

Our children, like us, will most likely have to type at a stupid pace for their dumb low-paying white collar jobs entering data into Microsoft Access for some out-to-lunch-at-Benihana eighty-dollar-tie asshole, and this is the type of game that will help them survive that job.

Not only does typing help the ninja kill, typing helps the ninja pay his car note and mortgage and those student loans the ninja wouldn't have taken if he wasn't so stoned all the time when he was at ninja college.

These are the lessons that are important for our future, and our children's future: Learn how to type. Kill other ninjas. A gravity bong does not "elevate" your perspective. Survive.